Ep 153 Why Ease Can Feel So Uncomfortable
===
[00:00:00] You know, so often people tell me that they want to feel more ease in their business. Or sometimes that sounds like, "Oh my God, I don't wanna feel burnt out. I don't wanna be stressed. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna." But ultimately, business is the vehicle and the structure that is there that can help you create ease in your life.
But the challenging thing is, are you open to feeling ease, or are you addicted to urgency? And this is something that I can definitely relate to. Uh, I've definitely said in the past, I perform well under pressure. A lot of my clients will also tell me that they perform well under pressure. But really Being under pressure and having that sense of urgency that you feel addicted to is [00:01:00] what people often use to activate them into motion.
And the problem with that is that you cannot create ease while you're addicted to, uh, the feeling of urgency or using urgency to motivate you, and that is a big problem. Because if you are using urgency to, uh-- as an activation strategy, most likely you find that urgency removes your indecision, right?
There's nothing that will get you moving than knowing, "If I don't do it now, something bad's gonna happen." And we can see this as, um, you know, cycles that happen in business. It's like, "Oh, I have a really great month, and now I've got money in my business, and so the, uh, the urgency has dissolved, and so now my bank balance will kind of slowly go down until I get to the oh crap number, and then there's a sense of [00:02:00] urgency."
And in the meantime, it's not necessarily that you feel a lot of ease between when you've taken your foot off the gas and when things get bad. It's likely that there's a lot of avoidance. It is likely that there is, um, noise in the back of your head that says, "I should be doing this. I should be doing that."
And, uh, and so what happens then is that you, uh, for something to happen, you wait until there is this sense of urgency, right? And so for a lot of people, that pattern just becomes that cycle of wait, avoid, pressure builds, and then it gets to some kind of threshold where you feel like you can do nothing else but act on that and create a result.
And so if pressure is what activates you, then you might unconsciously, continuously create situations that require it, right, that require that pressure and urgency for you to perform. And for some people, [00:03:00] the truth is, is that, that urgency gives you permission, right? It gives you some level of permission or authority because that, that urgency feels like a permission slip.
It's like, "Yeah, I'm allowed to focus on sales," or, "I've gotta really be, um, uh, uh, disciplined in my sales and sales calls and marketing because money's tight. So I've got a good reason of why I have to do this now." And, uh, you might feel that you're only allowed to rest when you feel exhausted, so that there's a limit.
You can say, "You know what? I have to rest because I'm so exhausted." And it feels like that's permission, like nobody can argue with that. Um, you might also feel like you're only allowed to put a boundary in place when someone has pushed you way too far and cr- created some real discomfort for you. And so urgency in that way, urgency and [00:04:00] pressure makes the decision for you.
It's like you're outsourcing the, uh, the discomfort of creating the boundaries or the discipline until there is some kind of urgency that then it's a must, "I have to do this now or else something is going to happen." And if you actually wanna feel ease, ease requires you to make decisions and take action before pressure builds, right?
This is a key thing. It might sound really simple, but most people have this out of their awareness, right? If you wanna create ease, you have to be disciplined and make decisions before the pressure builds. And so a lot of people operate from, um, a moving away motivation, right? And so if you're wondering, what does that mean?
Well, definitely in NLP and a lot of [00:05:00] coaching modalities, we talk about, like, people are either motivated by the carrot or the stick. And if you're motivated by urgency, it's most likely that you are motivated by the stick. So when there's gonna be some kind of consequence, that gets you moving. But ease requires you to be motivated by the carrot.
Ease requires you to be motivated to create more of what you want, rather than avoiding what it is that you don't want. And, uh, away from motivation can be useful, but it can't be the only motivation, right? It can get people going at some stage, but to create ease, you have to be able to then flip that motivation into motivation towards what you want.
And so that could be towards creating more abundance, more time, more ease, more rest, and that is the strategy, that is the desire base that you [00:06:00] need to work... That you, you have to be willing to work towards and allow yourself to be motivated by to stop operating in urgency. And so- Moving towards what you do want requires you to have a clear vision about what you actually want.
What does ease actually look like? What does your business operating in a successful way that creates the ease and abundance for you actually look like? What is the vision of that? And what then, or who, do you need to believe you are And you are already this person. Anything else is just an illusion that you need to get rid of, and that's a lot of the work that I do with people, is helping people get awareness and, um, resolving the stuff that is not in alignment with what they actually wanna create.
It's all the limitations and emotional stuff that's not a match for what they actually wanna create. And [00:07:00] so that might mean you wanna create, you know, stable revenue, consistent revenue, uh, have a, a, a better standard of client. And so when we think what is a better standard of client, they're generally people who are good to work with, who take action, who pay well, who value your time and energy, who value their potential as well, so that they're happy to invest in what it is that you help them with because they value that potential for themselves.
Um, it might be that, you know, you-- your vision might be that you wanna work fewer hours or that you have more support. Um, but you have to be willing to, uh, create that and desire that without there being a crisis or some kind of urgency that forces you to create it. And so you have to act because you've decided it matters, and you lead yourself in that kind of space.
And so what this [00:08:00] really requires is that you have to value your future self. You have to treat your future self with respect. And so if you're im-- avoiding something now, what that means is that your future self inherits the consequence. So whatever it is that you don't wanna feel now, you'll just avoid it, and it doesn't resolve it 'cause unconsciously you'll still know there's pressure there, but you're just pushing a consequence onto your future self.
And so your present self might get some form of relief in not doing the thing that feels uncomfortable now, but your future self then gets the urgency and a different form of discomfort. So if you don't follow up on something today that you kn- you know you need to follow up on, then your future self has to sell under pressure, okay?
Um, and, and you-- no one wants to be selling under pressure. Like, the key to good, healthy sales [00:09:00] is non-attachment, right? Non a- non- non-attachment to a sales goal of revenue you wanna create, but non-attachment to the person that you are currently selling to because when you are consistent and creating ease, you know there's a certain amount of people that you need to talk to.
There's a certain amount of, um, content you need to create, conversations you need to have, sales calls that you need to be on, and that you can have non-attachment to any one result because you know you're doing enough to get the outcome that you want anyway And that takes the pressure off. Um, if you're avoiding conversations with your team, then future you gets the consequence of a bigger problem.
You know, if you're putting off, um, looking at your numbers or planning or having boundaries, then future you is gonna have fewer choices about the amount of ease or space or time or money that they have available. So creating ease for yourself [00:10:00] really means that you're, you're caring about the experience of your future self, right?
You're caring about the experience that your future self is going to have, and they're gonna be able to say, "Wow, I'm so glad that I did that," you know, whenever that was in the past, "because this is the outcome that I get from that now." So a really useful question to ask yourself in, in any day to day is, what can I do now that future me will be grateful that I handled?
And, uh, and really think about that for yourself now, because anything that you're putting off, ask yourself, "Will I be grateful that I handled it if I do it now? Will that be a positive?" Because often when we're avoiding things, we're-- all we're thinking about is right now in the moment that I'm gonna delay some kind of pressure.
I'm gonna feel some kind of temporary relief if I don't do it. But [00:11:00] if you think into the future, you can reassess where the pain sits. So the pain of doing something today is likely to be a lot less than the pain of what you'll have to face in the future if you delay it. And so you have to think about this.
This all makes sense, right? We go, "Yeah, of course this all makes sense." So why do so many of us not do it, right? A- and I know this used to be me. I can still work under pressure now, um, and I've got a greater capacity for it, but I don't feel stressed, right? I still create ease for myself. I can still do things but not be feeling like, ugh, I'm like hating my life.
It's like, no, I do the things now so that I can go on holidays. Like, I plan my business so that I take at least six weeks off a year. Uh, I'm generally not client-facing on Mondays and Fridays. Um, you know, I have sales goals, I have all those things, and I know my numbers, and I do [00:12:00] those things consistently so that I do have the ease of taking those holidays, of having those times off, um, and, and, you know, having the support and all those things in my business because of the things that I choose to do in the moment rather than delaying them.
So, you know, what is it really about ease then that, that so many people aren't able to create for themselves? And the truth is, is that ease can feel uncomfortable for people. Now, I know that sounds like contradictory, but the fact is, if you're really used to urgency, then having ease and space can feel really unfamiliar, and it might even feel like you can't relax because there's something in the back of your mind saying you should be doing more.
And, um, even, like, calmness can trigger the thought that you've forgotten something, right? So people get addicted to urgency, like [00:13:00] being busy and being on makes you feel like you're creating some kind of certainty for yourself. But really- You don't need to s- fill all of your space, right? You don't need to fill the space that you've got with more work or another problem.
And pressure can feel really familiar because you know how to perform there, right? Like, I know what it feels like. I know that I'll keep... I will get active and, and often people feel like if I'm under pressure, then if something isn't working, I've got a reason why it's not working. I can say, "Oh, well, I couldn't do any more 'cause I've just been so busy."
Or like, oh, you know, and just have to accept the consequences of things not being how you want because there's part of you that's like, "Well, I've... I'm doing everything that I can." Like, I didn't have any space to do anything different. And ease requires you to really learn how to create without extra adrenaline in [00:14:00] your system, without the adrenaline pushing and motivating you because the truth is we all get to an age where, um, adrenaline is gonna wear you out, right?
Like, when you're younger, you've got a much greater capacity for extra ad- adrenaline in your system. But as you get older, your tolerance for that adrenaline is less, and it will start having more of a negative impact on your body, and that will lower your performance. And so it, it is like a downward spiral into you've got less, um, capacity to perform, means you're under more urgency, and you've got more stress, and it just keeps going and going.
So this is when people start moving towards that feeling of burnout. And when we think about burnout, really burnout comes down to it's not just that you're working a lot of hours. Burnout really comes when we [00:15:00] haven't got clear boundaries and that we're pushing against something, and there feels like there's friction.
And so usually when we're pushing against something and that friction is usually because there's some kind of unresolved emotional stuff that, um, we're, we're not aligned with creating the outcome. So we use up a lot of energy pushing up against things that haven't been resolved, that we don't feel clear on.
And so this could be like having poor boundaries or difficult clients. Um, it could be around avoiding conversations, um, having messy systems. All of these things can create friction, and friction chews up energy, and that ends up with low energy where we end up feeling like we're getting burnt out. So addressing things much earlier can then create more ease than simply just trying to work less or thinking that you've just got too much [00:16:00] work or blaming the clients or blaming, you know, whatever else is going on And so then when we think about it from that context, what that means is that ease requires leadership And leadership means that you act before circumstances force you to.
You take ownership, you take responsibility. And when we talk about responsibility, you know, I often say this, is that freedom is what we get as an outcome from, uh, the ability that we have to manage our responsibilities. So the more you can res- manage your responsibilities with ease, the more freedom that you will have.
And so how do we manage our responsibilities with ease? Well, we communicate clearly. We set, you know, good boundaries. We have processes and systems and structure around that support us, that we maintain and, um, you know, really ensure are in place [00:17:00] so that, that we can create that ease. And it, it also means that you will have consistency in your marketing and sales, not just when you're freaking out that you've got a bill that you've gotta pay or the BAS is due or wages are due or something like that.
So we've gotta be looking at the numbers consistently, not just when cash flow is a problem. And so we've gotta, um, address things, have the difficult conversations, you know, address team issues or-- and put boundaries in place while you're still calm. A lot of people feel like, "Oh, I feel calm at the moment.
I don't wanna have conflict," or, "I don't wanna, you know, upset anyone or, or c- you know, face something that might be difficult." But it's always a matter of, and leadership is about this, the sooner you deal with something, the sooner you will create more ease and calm for yourself ongoing. And so that is really leadership.
That's self-leadership, right? [00:18:00] Making decisions from, um, direction rather than reaction. And so this then requires us to really need to be tuned into our desires, right? What do we actually desire? What do we desire to feel? What do we desire to experience? And desire has to become the motivator, right? Desire has to be something that you're willing to pri- prioritize.
Like, what are your desires? And, you know, when we've been stuck in urgency, urgency can feel really d- legitimate, like it's l- I, I have to deal with something. There's a legitimate reason because something is wrong, where desire can often feel like it's more optional, okay? And it really depends on where your threshold is of where you put your boundaries around ease is to where you will act.
So we have to get better at putting boundaries around ease rather than boundaries [00:19:00] around survival, rather than boundaries around, "I'm at my absolute limits, I have to do something." Okay, so boundaries are there. So- Um, it might be that you want to have more money. Uh, it might be that you want more space and time.
Um, it might be that you want your business to operate differently. Um, and that has to be enough. That has to be-- You have to decide that your desire for that is legitimate, that you're allowed, that you can prioritize that. And you don't need to be in pain or stress to authorize a change, or to authorize a conversation or a boundary or an activity.
And so this is why it comes back to, you know, the fact that creating ease is something that's always done in advance. It's always done for your future self. So ease is [00:20:00] created before you need it, right? Like, this is, this is such an important thing. If you're always based on, um, you know, like, i-i-if I have a need for something, that that's important, you have to prioritize ease as a need, right?
I have a need for feeling calm. I have a need for feeling ease. I have a need for feeling like I've got more than enough, and allowing that to be your truth. Because often we get conditioned that, you know, it's not safe to have more than enough because we've gotta make sure everybody else is okay and, and, you know, we don't wanna take away, and if someone else is struggling, then we should be helping them, and it's just not true.
And it doesn't mean that you're not gonna help other people, but you creating ease for yourself does not take it away from somebody else. Other people, especially other adults, are well within their rights to create ease for themselves [00:21:00] as well, and you doing it first can be... You can be the person who sets the example, right?
You can be the person who sets the example and inspires others to act in a way that they create ease for themselves as well So I want to really think about that, that, um, ease comes from reducing the amount of chaos that future you has to manage. Okay? And this is really important information, and we think about it from masculine and feminine.
Masculine energy does not create chaos. Masculine creates structure and ease for the feminine to be able to feel ease and to feel abundant and to be able to create in and to feel, um, the, the freedom. Okay? And then that becomes a circular thing because the payoff to the masculine is that the feminine gets to feel those things, and she's a [00:22:00] pleasure to be around, and the masculine feels that it's done a good job in creating that.
So the masculine is driven, the masculine is the structure, the masculine is decisive, and in that way, it creates a space for the feminine to feel the ease and the freedom and the expression. And we all have this masculine and feminine inside of ourselves, and when we get this right, we create this great polarity that generates energy.
And so you will become more energized and more creative by having this clear masculine, feminine structure, um, you know, decision, focus that creates a space for ease and abundance. Uh, and, uh, so This is the work that I do with people, and like I said, so much in business, you know, you might know what you wanna do, but are you actually doing it?
And this is the stuff that I work with in-- with my clients through Elevate and [00:23:00] through private coaching, is creating that alignment, getting rid of everything that is not aligned with you, creating that ease in your business. So I want you to think about this for yourself, right? Where are you still waiting for urgency to activate you?
You know, are you prioritizing everybody else's needs until you're at a point where there's urgency before you feel like you've got permission to focus on yourself and what it is that you want? You know, what is it that you're avoiding now, that future you will have to deal with? Um, what are you moving away from?
What are you trying to avoid? What... And, and this is really important, what do you actually wanna move towards and actually wanna create? And what decision could you make now before pain makes it for you? Okay. Like I said, this sounds like simple stuff, but if you're not creating ease for yourself, if you're not creating the time, [00:24:00] money, abundance, ease, rest, it's not a coincidence.
It's not because of things that are happening outside of you. Your reality is always projected from inside of you. And so if you're not creating ease, it's because you don't, at the moment, feel like you've got permission to have it. There will always be a reason, and until you get awareness that it's something that you're creating, you will look outside of yourself and point fingers and be forever at the mercy of what you think is going on around you, and that feels really powerless.
Your true power comes from realizing that you're the one in control and that what you decide today is gonna impact the ease you feel tomorrow. Uh, so if this has, um, uh, resonated with you or there is something in this for you that you know that you've gotta sort out, do something about it today, right?
Reach out to me. Um, this is the deep work that I do, and [00:25:00] most people don't understand what is going on underneath, but I hope today's session, uh, today's session-- I feel like we're in a coaching session. I hope today's episode has given you a little bit of insight and awareness that might just start to bring up some questions of, "Yeah, maybe there is something that I can do different."
And you don't have to do that alone. Right? This is when you reach out to someone who's an expert in being able to sort that out for you, and ultimately, you then get in the driver's seat for creating the reality that no doubt is what you started your business for in the first place.
