Ep 145: Toni Everard - Ditch the Good Girl Script

Most people don't realise they're living by a script that was never theirs.

A script that taught them to be agreeable.

To put other people's needs first.

To seek approval before making decisions.

To stay small, stay safe, and avoid disappointing anyone.

But what if the reason you're constantly second-guessing yourself, struggling with boundaries, or feeling stuck in your business isn't because you lack confidence?

What if it's because you've been living by the good girl script?

In this episode, Toni Everard explores one of the most common yet invisible patterns affecting women in business and leadership: the belief that your worth, security, and acceptance come from meeting other people's expectations instead of becoming the authority in your own life.

She shares how these early conditioning patterns shape our relationships, our finances, and our businesses, why so many women unconsciously seek permission and validation, and how reclaiming your authority is the key to creating greater freedom, confidence, and success.

This conversation challenges the belief that being kind means being compliant and reveals why becoming your own authority isn't selfish—it's essential.

This episode explores:

• what the good girl script really is and where it comes from

• how childhood conditioning teaches us to seek approval and avoid conflict

• why people-pleasing often stems from a need for emotional safety

• the hidden cost of constantly putting other people's needs before your own

• why permission-seeking is a symptom, not the real problem

• how emotional and financial dependence can keep you stuck

• why success in business requires becoming your own authority

• how the fear of upsetting others can unconsciously limit your growth

• why so many women undercharge, overdeliver, and stay small in business

• the connection between financial independence and personal freedom

• why becoming powerful doesn't mean controlling others

• how to stop living according to someone else's expectations

• practical ways to reclaim your authority and start trusting yourself

• why creating the life you want begins with deciding that you're allowed to have it

• how stepping into your own power gives others permission to do the same

If you've ever worried about what other people think, struggled to set boundaries, found yourself constantly seeking approval, or felt like you're living a life that doesn't fully belong to you, this episode will help you break free from the good girl script and reclaim the authority to create a life and business you truly love.

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Transcript

Ep 145 Ditch the Good Girl Script
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[00:00:00] This week's episode is something that is pretty close to my heart. Um, we're talking about ditching the good girl script Now, this is something that I see that affects a lot of women in business, and if you're not a woman and you're listening to this and you're a man, it possibly still applies to you, and there will be patterns of this that still applies to you.

But the good girl script is something that I see a lot, especially with women in business. And what I wanna talk about today is how to really understand what the good girl script is, and then ultimately empower you to be able to ditch it. Because when I'm talking about ditching the good girl script, I'm not talking about not being kind or not having good manners or anything like that.

It's really looking at where have you been conditioned to believe that your value and [00:01:00] your security and your acceptance only come from meeting someone else's expectations instead of becoming the authority in your own life, and then ultimately in your business as well. And so this affects people in their personal relationship, in their families, and then ultimately in their business and their financial independence, and this is why I'm really passionate about this as well.

So when you think about the good girl script, this isn't something that you're born with. It's something that you're conditioned into, and girls who cr- grow up in a family system where there is an amount of control that happens. Now, a lot of people will say, "No, no, my family weren't controlling." Uh, but if you feel like you suffer from good girl syndrome and that you're always looking for p- permission, or you're worried about how other people think or if you're allowed, then I [00:02:00] can tell you, my friend, that there's been an element of controlling, uh, conditioning that's happened for you as well.

And so good girls, uh, good girl syndrome or g- the good girl script is learning that there's certain behaviors that will be rewarded, and those behaviors are generally ones around that require you to be compliant and to be helpful and to put everybody else's needs first, uh, and to, you know, not rock the boat or don't disagree, don't ask for too much, um, don't make anyone uncomfortable, and your needs ultimately become secondary to everyone else's emotional comfort.

And if you do speak up, then you might experience judgment or withdrawal or criticism, maybe the silent treatment or some kind of threats or even i- in [00:03:00] many cases, financial consequences. And so you learn that your connection isn't unconditional. And so it's, you learn your connection and your safety and your emotional connection, and sometimes financial connection or financial safety is earned through compliance.

And so that mes- message really becomes, you know, "If I'm good enough, then I'll belong." You know, "If I stay compliant, then I'll be accepted, and if I keep everybody happy, then I'll be safe." And that's the good girl script. And when we think about this and where this comes from, right? When we think about as children, children naturally rely on adults, right?

Children rely on adults for their emotional safety, their physical safety, you know, all of those things. But in healthy childhood development, [00:04:00] you are taught how to gradually become your own authority, right? To be able to make decisions for yourself and to become independent, right? Emotionally and financially independent.

And I don't mean in a way that you don't need anybody, like you don't wanna be connected to anybody. But in a way that you can create your own security that's not reliant on somebody else. Okay? You still connect with people 'cause you want to connect with people and you love them, but you can create your own independence.

Okay? You're not dependent on what somebody else thinks or approves of. And so the... when we think about the good girl script, it really interrupts that development. So instead of learning, you know, "What do I think?" You learn, "What do they think?" Right? So instead of asking yourself, "What do I want?" You ask, "What will they allow?

What will they be okay with?" And so ultimately, instead of trusting yourself, you learn to [00:05:00] trust some kind of authority outside of yourself. Okay? And so when you're a child, authority is generally, um, dad, it could be mom, but, like, someone who's the authority over what is right and what is wrong. But you're meant to be taught how to understand that for yourself, right?

And to develop that for yourself. But you're often taught how to, um, rely on the authority outside of yourself instead. So this could be your parents, it could be your partner, it could be your family or your boss, or your clients, or even your audience, right? If you're building an audience. It becomes that somebody else who is outside of me has authority over my decisions, right?

Has authority over what is right for me. And that's why we see people that have got the good girl script, that they're constantly seeking permission, right? [00:06:00] Permission and validation. Now, permission isn't the actual problem. It's... Permission seeking is the symptom, but the real issue is that that authority still lives outside of yourself.

Okay? And if you haven't integrated it internally, then it's always, you're always filtering, right? "Is it okay with someone or something outside of myself?" And so, you know, this really, uh, affects us in our emotional and financial, uh, dependence or independence. And this becomes really, really important because when we think about how do these dynamics work, if someone wants to maintain influence over another person, then they need to create a sense of dependence, right?

Dependence is extremely powerful. So it could be emotional dependence, could be financial dependence, it could be both. Uh, but ultimately, your emotional safety [00:07:00] depends on someone's approval And so in that case, you'll think twice about disappointing them. And if your financial security depends on somebody else's decisions, then, you know, you'll think twice before challenging them.

And then that's when money becomes more than just money, it becomes about power and leverage. And approval, you know, is more than just approval, it's about control. And so this is where we see even in adults, uh, you know, grown adults, that inheritance is threatened by a parent or, you know, financial support is withdrawn from a partner.

Um, if, if it might be a case of like love or, you know, connection disapp- like disappears if you disagree with someone. And so the lesson isn't just, you know, be nice, the lesson becomes don't be [00:08:00] too independent, right? Don't be too independent because independence reduces... Like if you become independent, it reduces someone else's influence over your life.

You stop needing permission, and that's exactly what controlling systems don't want, right? And these have a lot of ways of showing up in family dynamics in ways that, you know... Uh, and I don't think like a lot of people are doing these, you know, sitting there like, "Oh, this is my evil plan." Um, but they can be learnt behaviors throughout generations of families, uh, but they keep showing up.

And this is why it then shows up in business as well, because business becomes such a powerful mirror from what's going on with you in your personal world as well. Because for you to step up and succeed in business, you have to become your own authority. You are the boss. You are the one who says what is right.

And every day you're gonna [00:09:00] be making decisions, right? Decisions about what it is that you charge or who you're gonna work with, um, you know, what your boundaries are, the offers that you create. Uh, you know, what do you stand for? What do you stand for? What do you stand against? And how visible are you willing to become in expressing those things?

Because if you're still living from that good girl script, every decision you make is gonna be filtered through someone else's approval, right? In your mind, you're gonna always be constantly thinking, "Will they like it? Will they think I'm greedy? Will they think I'm selfish? Will they leave? Will they judge me?"

You know? So that's what's going on instead of just making clear business decisions. You start making, like, clear business decisions are factual, right? Business is around numbers, right? You have people, there is a people element in business, but business itself, the stuff people get stuck on is [00:10:00] factual stuff, right?

But people are, you know, in that good girl script become more focused on, uh, managing emotional safety And so that's why, you know, I see so many women in business and, and heart-centered, you know, coaches, and practitioners, and therapists start undercharging or over-delivering, um, avoiding sales and, and staying small, and even saying yes when they want to say no to things, keeping difficult clients or, like, running around trying to keep difficult clients happy.

Um, you know, I see people delaying launching things, um, you know, waiting until they're ready. Uh, and all of that kind of stuff is happening not... And it's not because, you know, they don't know what to do. It's because becoming successful requires becoming your own authority. And if you haven't done that yet, and there's been [00:11:00] this good girl script running, then becoming successful in business unconsciously feels like a risk.

It feels like somebody's gonna be upset. Because when you become independent, and financially independent, and powerful, then other people don't have the same influence over you. And if there's, if there's some relationship dynamics happening in your life like that, then that's what will be slowing down your business.

Sometimes they can be very subtle. They can be very subtle. It can be like, you know, I've heard people say, "Yeah, my partner fully, um, supports my business." Um, but you know, then we find out when they talk about making money, there's, the partner's kind of making a joke about it. "Oh, of course, go and make all the money you want."

And it's made like a little bit of a joke. So there's this subtle kind of underlying, um, you know, current that says, "Well, I'm not gonna say you can't make money, but you also... I'm letting you know that I don't [00:12:00] think it's likely." Right? Because there's a subtle power play happening there. And so one of the reasons that I really believe that financial independence is so important isn't because, like, money is everything, but it's because financial independence removes any unnecessary dependence.

It makes you powerful over your own life. And when I talk about authority and power, it's integrating it so it's in you're the a- a- authority and you have the power over your own life. It's not about having it over other people. It's about having it over yourself. And when you can create your own income, you can stop relying on approval for security.

Right? When you stop making decisions from fear and, and stop organizing your life around someone else's [00:13:00] authority or what somebody else wants, then money becomes freedom, right? Money becomes freedom. And it's not because it's changing who you are, but because it gives you the ability to make decisions from alignment instead of obligation.

And it really then allows you to see the truth of your relationships, because the relationships that are truly there to support you are going to support your independence. They're gonna support your independence. They're not gonna keep you reliant on being a certain level, right? That suits somebody else's agenda.

And so this is the turning point, right? The turning point in your life and business. It's not about lear- you know, learning another strategy or just becoming, you know, confident, and it's not even about being rebellious, right? 'Cause a lot of people think, "Oh, if I stop being the good girl, I have to be rebellious."

But [00:14:00] it's recognizing that the good girl script that you've been living by was never yours. It was never something that you had to take on. That script that taught you that your value depended on pleasing others and that taught you that authority belonged to someone else outside of yourself, that somebody else was the one who got to decide what was right and what was wrong and what was okay and what wasn't, and, you know, taught you to ask permission instead of just making decisions for yourself.

The turning point is where you reclaim that authority, right? You reclaim that authority. You stop asking, "What will other people think?" And you begin asking, you know, "What, what will... How do I actually want my life to be? What's the life that I want to live?" And so in that, you can stop seeking approval from other people and start taking responsibility, [00:15:00] right?

You stop waiting, and you start deciding, and you start taking action, and that is the real key thing because becoming the authority in your own life means recognizing that no one else gets to decide your worth That no one else gets to direct your future. And, you know, if you're someone that is into manifesting, you have to be the own, your own authority to manifest something in your life.

You can't believe that it's up to somebody else and still create what it is that you think you want, and that's really important. So ditching the good girl script is... It's not about rejecting relationships. It's not about going around deliberately upsetting anyone or being, you know, a selfish, horrible person or proving a point or any of that kind of stuff.

It's purely about becoming the authority in your own life over [00:16:00] your own life, over your own reality. And if you want to create a certain reality that's different than you have now, you're the only person that can choose to do it. Because if you're living a good girl script, no doubt you're living a reality that suits somebody else's model of the world Right?

And if you're living a reality that suits somebody else's model of the world, you're never going to feel fully, um, fully... What's the word I want? Not just successful, but, um, content in your own, in your own life. You're not gonna feel like you're living fully. But when you do become the authority in your own life and in your business, you can create boundaries.

You can create healthy boundaries. Your business really starts to change, your finances change, your relationships change, right? Your future changes, and [00:17:00] it's changing for the better. People will start responding to you in a more positive way. Because the whole thing about running the good girl sc- script is that fear that someone else is gonna be upset.

But when you flip that and you become your own authority, you realize that if somebody else is trying to influence you for their own benefit, that they can be worried that you'll be upset with them because that behavior's not okay. And so you regain your own power, right? You, you flip the script on the authority.

You become the authority of your own life. You g- regain your own power. You create what it is that you wanna create, and you change the rules of engagement. For people to get access to you, they have to respect your wants and your needs and your desires. And that doesn't, that doesn't mean you're gonna start telling other people what to do.

It just means you're gonna be in charge of your own life, and for other people to have a, a connection to you, they need to support [00:18:00] you in having what it is that you want and meet you at least there, not expect you to step down to what it is that they want. And this is really important because when we can do this really cleanly, we realize we're not having a negative impact on anybody else by doing that, right?

We're not stopping anybody else from doing that, and that's the difference. When you're playing the good girl script, someone else is, is preventing you from living your life fully. When you take back that authority and you live your life fully, you're not stopping anybody else from doing that for themselves.

And in fact, you're gonna demonstrate to other people that they can do that for themselves without controlling anybody else or being dependent on anybody else. So you reclaiming your authority and creating what you want actually is in service, not just of yourself, but for everyone around you as well.

And so if you're feeling like this [00:19:00] is speaking to you, and, you know, maybe you've been playing the good girl script more than you'd care to admit, um, don't feel like you're alone. I've been there. Gosh, I've been there. I'm a complete recovering good girl. I was a rebellious good girl, but in, in, in particular relationships, I definitely played the good girl role, and it was something that I had to do a lot of deep work on myself to grow my business, um, and, and create my own financial and emotional independence.

But it is so worth it. It is so worth it, and it is a, um, positive thing that extends, like I said, not just in your own life, but to those around you as well, right? It lifts everyone. Um, and this is the work that I do with people in business. So, you know, when I... I... My background's accounting and finance, so yes, I'm a numbers person.

Yes, I love business. I'm really getting into the structure of business and, and helping people understand [00:20:00] business in a simple way. Uh, but a big portion of what I do is help people with this underlying stuff because business itself isn't that hard. It's getting our unconscious mind, and our beliefs, and our values, and our behaviors, our, our thoughts, and our feelings all aligned with what it is that we say we want.

And having been someone who's unpacked a lot of this for myself and done it for many, many other clients, it's become a specialty of mine. So if you're feeling like there's something here for you, reach out. Uh, let's have a chat. You can contact me in the show notes, um, find me on the socials, email me, and, uh, yeah, it's time to reclaim your authority and start creating a life and business that you love.