Ep 144: Toni Everard - Be the Lighthouse, Not the Lifeboat

Most people who start a business genuinely want to help others.

They want to make a difference.

They care deeply.

They want their clients to succeed.

But what if the reason you're feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, or responsible for everyone else's outcomes isn't because you care too much?

What if it's because you've become the lifeboat instead of the lighthouse?

In this episode, Toni Everard explores one of the most important leadership lessons for coaches, consultants, service providers, and business owners: the difference between carrying people and guiding them.

She shares why so many heart-centered entrepreneurs unknowingly take on responsibility that isn't theirs, how this creates burnout, dependency, and frustration, and why the most powerful leaders focus on empowering others rather than rescuing them.

This conversation challenges the belief that being valuable means being constantly available and reveals how structure, systems, and leadership create greater freedom, impact, and sustainable growth.

This episode explores:

• the powerful difference between being a lighthouse and being a lifeboat

• why so many business owners become trapped in the role of rescuer

• how helping can unintentionally turn into carrying

• the hidden cost of taking responsibility for other people's outcomes

• why constant availability is not the same as leadership

• how emotional labor contributes to burnout and business overwhelm

• the role structure, systems, and processes play in creating freedom

• why clients should pay for transformation, not dependency

• the difference between making things easier and making people more capable

• how great leaders empower others to navigate challenges for themselves

• why sustainable business growth requires clear boundaries and frameworks

• how creating leverage allows you to help more people without sacrificing yourself

• practical ways to move from being the helper to becoming the guide

• why your greatest impact comes from teaching people to trust themselves

If you've ever felt responsible for your clients' success, found yourself constantly rescuing others, or wondered why helping people sometimes leaves you feeling drained, this episode will help you redefine what true leadership looks like and show you how to create greater impact, freedom, and fulfillment by becoming the lighthouse instead of the lifeboat.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] There is a favorite saying that I have that is, "Be the lighthouse, not the lifeboat." And I've been thinking about this again really recently, both in my own business, but with clients that I've been working with. And so I thought this would be a really valuable topic to share because, you know, most people that I work with, well, everyone that I work with, they genuinely want to be helpful people, right?

They want to help others. They, um, you know, want to make a difference. You care about people, and ultimately you want people to succeed. And, uh, and yet somewhere along the line, what often happens is people end up getting caught up in this role of being the rescuer or the helper or the supporter, rather than being the guide and the leader.

And that's when, when you're caught up in that supporting and rescuing [00:01:00] role, that's when essentially you're being the lifeboat. And- The, the image that I always get that this reminds me of is, you know, like, there's stormy seas and you're out there in your lifeboat and, uh, and there's people everywhere and you're dragging them in to the lifeboat, but just as soon as you're dragging them in, they somehow fall out again, right?

Like it's just this ongoing, ah, I'm in the storm with all these people, trying to save them, and it's absolutely exhausting. And so we don't wanna be the lifeboat, right? We wanna be the life h- the lighthouse. Because when we think about the difference between a lighthouse and a lifeboat, uh, a lifeboat carries people, right?

A lifeboat is in there in amongst the storm, in amongst the crashing waves, and it's carrying people, it's rescuing people, whereas a lighthouse stands very sturdy and it shines a light and it guides [00:02:00] people. So the lifeboat goes out in the storm, but the lighthouse stands firmly in position. And the lifeboat becomes responsible for getting people to safety, and the lighthouse provides direction so that people can navigate themselves.

Now, both of these roles are extremely helpful, but there's a difference in how they help, and I think it's a really important distinction for anyone to be able to think about for themselves if you're in some way, you know, drawn to helping people. And I think that the reason, you know, so many people become lifeboats and become the helpers and the supporters is that often, you know, when we wanna help others, it's because we, we know what it's like to have had some kind of struggles ourself.

And often the thing that you're drawn to do and, and the way that you're drawn to help other people is [00:03:00] really connected to what you wish someone had done for you at some stage. And so, you know, perhaps when you were younger, you wished that you had more help or more support or someone that was really there who believed in you and, uh, and, you know, gave you some guidance and, you know, helped you, like, just support you through something.

And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but- When you're in business, the chances are you're working with other adults, you're not working with other children. And so you don't want to be the one that's doing it for them, right? You don't wanna be there carrying that because, you know, that, what that turns into is you carrying a whole lot more weight and responsibility than what is actually yours.

And if you're always the helper and supporter, it's going to rely on your constant presence. Um, and you're gonna have to be there all the time. [00:04:00] Whereas, if you become the lighthouse and you're shining that light and you're guiding people, then you are teaching people to learn how to get to shore by themselves, and that creates lasting outcomes, and that's way more powerful.

And so this is where we've gotta be really mindful of, of recognizing when helping turns into carrying, right? So because the thing is, when you're helping people and you feel needed, that can be a very rewarding thing, right? I know. I've, I've done it. People rely on me, and they seek my advice and, you know, they value my input.

Um, but then sometimes that can end up being where people then, uh, start making you responsible for their outcomes that they're not getting as well. And things can turn really quickly and you think, "Geez, what else do you want from me?" Right? "Like, I've been doing all this. I've been helping you. I've been supporting you.

I've been [00:05:00] believing you. I've been doing all this, and then you turn around and tell me it's my fault that you haven't got what you want to get." And so, you know, the problem is, is that- That role becomes so heavy because you're the person who's being the accountability, and you're the person who's providing the confidence and the motivation and the reassurance.

And so every challenges, uh, every challenge requires your involvement, but you're taking responsibility for stuff that's just not yours. And so before, you know, you've created this business that depends on your constant availability, and that's not leadership, right? That's carrying, right? That's labor, that's emotional labor, and, uh, that's what leads to burnout, right?

And that's really not fun in the long run. And so what we really have gotta learn, and this is something that, you know, I've constantly had to reassess and revalue and grow through myself, is that in business, we have to create structure, [00:06:00] and structure creates freedom. And so the, the p- most powerful businesses aren't built on having endless access to the person who built it, right?

They're built on frameworks, and they're built on processes and systems and methodologies and resources and communities, and, uh, and it's the structure that you build that does the heavy lifting, and it's the structure that creates consistency, right? It's the, the structure that supports the decision-making and helping people move forward even when you're not in the room.

And this is where real leverage comes from, and this is when you become really powerful, right? You become really powerful, you become really valuable, is the more that you can create systems and structure and process that does the work for you when you're not there, then the more freedom that you're gonna create for yourself, and the more people ultimately you're going to be able to help.

And that is [00:07:00] ultimately what we're here for, right? Is helping as many people as you can. So when you think about when you have clients, um, and they pay you, what are they paying you for? Yeah, absolutely, there's gonna be an element where they're paying to have access for-- to you. Right? I know that there's loads of value that people get from me when they're in the room with me, 100%.

I don't have any qualms about that. Um, people pay for access to your experience and your unique perspectives and your thinking, and they pay for access to your frameworks, right? They-- The things that help them achieve results faster than they would achieve on their own. That's super valuable because this is the thing.

You know, people will pay all day long if you can help them solve a problem faster, at a better quality, and at less, you know, cost to themselves. Then that, [00:08:00] that's what they want, right? That's what they'll pay for. It doesn't mean that they're paying for you to carry them, okay? That's really important. So your value isn't meas- measured by how much responsibility you take away from somebody else.

Your value is measured by your ability to help them create a better outcome, right? To help them manage their own responsibilities, for them to understand how to increase their capacity. And so those things are very different, and that's when we move into the place of empowering people rather than creating any kind of weird codependent relationships with people.

Um, and so that's really important. So this is where we shift from being the helper to the leader. And, you know, a, a helper might ask, "Oh, you know, how can I make it easier for them?" Whereas a leader will ask, "How can I help them become more capable?" Right? It's [00:09:00] you want to help people be able to handle their own responsibilities with greater ease.

That's what they're paying to learn, right? That's how they get their outcomes. And so, you know, if we just forever just trying to make it easier for people, um, and doing things for them, then we create a reliance, right? Where they rely on us, and that's not c- that's not empowering for anybody. Whereas if we help other people become more capable, then that increases their capacity To manage their own responsibilities.

Uh, and that is what creates growth, and that becomes very, very powerful. And of course, if you continue to grow, you can continue to help people grow as well. And this is, you know, one of the things why, um, you know, I've got several clients that have worked with me year in, year out because I continue to help them grow along that journey.

It's not because they're reliant on me, there's no codependency. It's that [00:10:00] they're growing, and I help them continue to create greater capacity for that growth, to manage that growth. And that's what helps them to be able to trust themselves, um, and to think differently and to, you know, really create better decisions and ultimately better results for themselves, for their business and for their clients and for their own lives as well and that is really powerful.

So when we think about that, you know, I often think about the lighthouse, and l- I love a good sea-based metaphor because, you know, I am a Pisces after all. Um, I, I'm-- I love the emotional depths of the, of the ocean. Uh, but I like to really appreciate that more from the lighthouse. The lighthouse doesn't chase ships, okay?

The lighthouse doesn't drag them through the water to bring them back to shore. Uh, the lighthouse doesn't sail those ships for them, [00:11:00] right? It stands really f- firm in its position and provides that direction. And, you know, the, the ship still has to know how to navigate, but you're guiding the way, right?

You're lighting the way for them. Um, the ship's still gotta make their own decisions. You can't make those decisions for them. There's-- The ship's gotta do its own sailing and navigating. But the lighthouse simply helps them find their way. It lights the path, that's the safe path that they've been through before, and shows them the, the best way to go And so that's what I really think w- you know, when we think about great leadership, this is what it's all about.

And great coaching, this is what it's all about. When we have a business, this is what it's designed to do. It's to create a pathway for people to follow, not for you to become the thing that carries people along or drags them along kicking and screaming or anything else, right? We help them to, uh, discover [00:12:00] how to carry their, their responsibilities for themselves, how to navigate that pathway faster and easier than they could do themselves, and that's when people will thank you.

And this is a really important thing. People will thank you for the transformation that you help create for them being able to qu- be more c- like, have greater capacity, um, and be more capable and be able to create more results for themselves. That's when people are going to be really grateful for you.

The people that are just out there and you're trying to drag into your lifeboat, they'll fall out of the lifeboat and make it your fault, right? That's not fun. You don't wanna be in that space. Uh, and so, you know, I'd really love for you to think about this for yourself and, you know, give me your feedback.

Let me know, what do you think about this topic, being the lighthouse rather than the li- lifeboat? You know, have you been in a situation yourself where you feel like you're just forever dragging people out of the storm only to see [00:13:00] them, you know, jump back in and then complain about it? Um, or, you know, are there, are there areas as well that you're really good at being the lighthouse?

Where are you lighting the way? Where are you stam- standing really firm in your position? And, uh, and then, you know, if you can see that perhaps there's some areas where you could be standing a bit m- firmer in your position, think about what are the structures that you need to create in that space. You know, what are the c- what are the structures you need to create in your business so that you're not the one doing everything, right?

That could be some automation. That could be having a VA. That could be having some, you know, things that you say on repeat recorded. Um, it could be having particular, uh, agreements or acknowledgments or things that people need to read or that you can refer them to, um, you know, before you start working with them.

Uh, it, it's... And, and the better that you get at getting out of [00:14:00] your head what your expertise is and how you help people, and you get it into some form of, um, methodology, framework, structure, system, process, then the more powerful that's gonna make you, the more energy you're going to have free for you. And this is the ultimate goal, right?

How can you have as much impact as you wanna have while still having energy available for you and what you want, and how you wanna experience your life, and what it is that you wanna do in the world? That is the ultimate flex. Yeah? So, uh, yeah, let me know. Let me know. I know I, I love when people come up and let me know that they've been listening to the podcast and the things that you've got out of it.

So, um, yeah, flick me a, a email or send me a message and, uh, tell me about what has this shown you. And, uh, of course, if you're ready to [00:15:00] be building your business and, uh, and really stepping into a stronger position for the new financial year, I've got some spots open for my one-on-one challenge. And this is for you if you're like, "You know what?

I, I've got some runs on the board in my business, but I feel like I'm at a bit of a plateau, and I know there's another level for me, and I feel that there is some underlying stuckness in there," uh, send me a message and, uh, we'll look at doing the five-day challenge together. There's only limited spots of these, and they get snapped up really quickly.

Um, but there is so much value that people get, and I'm loving seeing the results. So if that sounds like you, send me a message and, uh, let's chat. Until next week, be the lighthouse and, uh, light the way.