Ep 132: Toni Everard - Why You're Not Earning More And What You're Pretending Not To Know

Many women in business are working hard, doing all the right things…
and still not experiencing the level of income or financial stability they’re capable of.

In this episode, Toni Everard explores the deeper pattern that keeps women capped in their income, even when they know what to do.

This isn’t just about money.

It’s about power, safety, and the unconscious ways women have learned to stay small in order to maintain connection, avoid conflict, or feel secure.

Toni unpacks how these patterns are formed, how they show up in business, and why many women find themselves earning just enough to get by… but not enough to feel truly independent.

And asks the question…

What are you pretending not to know?

This episode is for coaches, practitioners and service providers who are ready to stop circling the same income level and start stepping into the level of power, leadership and financial stability they actually want.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Why working harder isn’t the solution to increasing your income
• How feeling unsafe in your power leads to income ceilings
• The hidden pattern of being valued for support instead of results
• Why many women earn enough to survive, but not enough to feel independent
• How dependency impacts both your business and your relationships
• The link between financial stability, self-leadership and personal power
• The question that will uncover what’s really keeping you stuck
• What shifts when you stop playing small and start backing yourself

You’re not here to just get by.

You’re here to create a business that supports you, financially, emotionally and energetically.

And that requires you to become safe in your own power.

🔗 Let’s Connect

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Business Growth for Heart-Led Coaches, Practitioners & Therapists

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Transcript

0:00

You are listening to the Coaching Circle with Tony Everard, business and Mindset coach and your strategic thinking partner. This podcast is for those who want to step out of the hustle and glow in the flow. We'll talk about all things mindset, energy, and structure so you can evolve from the inside out and build a business that supports the life you want to live. Let's dive in. Welcome back to The Coaching Circle, and this is a juicy episode. And, uh, I have been hearing that more men are listening to my podcast, which is great and I am loving the feedback. But I've gotta let you know that this episode really is for the ladies, uh, or the men who want to be better. Men are empowering the women in their lives. So either way, you know what you're up for now. So tune in for some of, uh, some deep dives into the psyche of women in business and feeling powerful enough to make good money from your business. I've been having a lot of these conversations with clients lately, and it's definitely, this is something that I've worked on for myself and for a few years when I was really getting heavily involved in. NLPI became a master trainer of NLP and timeline therapy and hypnosis. And I did a lot of esoteric studies as well. A lot of, uh, spiritual and psychic healing. Um, went deep into understanding Huna and, uh, and a whole lot of other things energetically. Um, what I knew was that I had a bit of a block around that. I knew it was to do with men and money, and I found it really, really hard to, uh, unpack or find the root of it. But I, I eventually did. Um, when I shifted it, big things started to change in my business. And, uh, it was definitely a lot of stuff that was related to the men in, in, in my life. And of course that means it did go back to the relationship that I had with my dad. And this is something that is not uncommon, especially for Gen X women. So if you were born in the sixties or seventies, this. We'll likely apply to you in some way, and especially to women of that age that tend to work in caring roles. So if you're a coach, you're a practitioner, you're a therapist, you support people, it's highly likely that this is a pattern that has showed up for you as well. And uh, so if I think back for myself, you know, there were so many moments where I knew that I was really capable. I was like highly trained, like I'm very good at being a coach and a trainer. I knew what I wanted, but I knew there was still something that was holding me back. And so for a long time I told myself a lot of stories about why that was. Um, you know, whether it was the timing or the market or my confidence or other people somehow needing me or something. But there's something that I know to be true now. And that is, and I, I knew this back then, but I didn't see how it applied to me. But for a problem to exist in your life, there's usually something that you are pretending not to know. Okay? So for a problem to exist in your life, there's usually something that you are pretending not to know. Now. This is, this is probably something that you also feel very uncomfortable facing because it may very much, uh, have an impact on the relationships that you have inside your family or even with your partner. And when I go deep with my clients on this, I always find it. I know it's there. And when we shift it. Big things change, right? Big things change because what I see with a lot of women in business is this, they can work very hard, they can do the right things. They're capable of so much, and yet they still don't have the level of financial stability in their business and their life independently that they should have, and they might be making some money. Enough to cover the basics enough to support their business, right? Which is, if you've heard my podcast before, is the, the other way around. Your business should be supporting you, not you supporting your business. Um, so there might be enough to cover the basics enough to get by, but there's this constant kind of feeling of struggle or worry or scarcity, uh, and just not making enough money to feel truly independent. And not making enough money to feel fully safe on their own right, not not making enough to expand into the life that they actually want independently, right? This is the key thing. And so when you really look at it, this, it's not about strategy, it's about personal power. How powerful do you believe you are allowed to be? Because a lot of women don't feel safe to be fully in their power, and you might not recognize it in your business, but you probably do recognize it in your relationship. And if you don't feel safe in your power, you will cap how much money you allow yourself to receive. So you might make some money, but then go out and pay for the next shiny thing that's going to somehow support you better. Uh, and it just means that you don't end up getting money in your pocket or that you just can't seem to be making sales, or there'll be something else that makes it feel like you are not supported in your business, that it's struggle. And, uh, and this goes deep because many women have had relationships with what I would call the unhealed masculine. And there was a lot of this that, uh, happened with Gen X girls who, if you think about it, whose parents were most likely boomers. Right. And of course, when we look back into the generations, I know for me and my family. Uh, my dad was an absolute boomer. He was born in 1946 in the uk, and, uh, his parents had just, my grandparents had just lived through World War ii. In fact, they've been bombed out of their house. My, uh, grandfather was a fireman during the bombing of London in World War ii. Um, my auntie and uncle were born. Previous to the war. So by the time my dad was born, there'd been a lot of trauma that had happened in their family, A lot of stress, a lot of trauma from living through the war. And so you can see where these patterns come from, but a lot of people aren't really aware of all of that and how it's affecting their life now. And so many women have had relationships with what I call, uh, the unhealed masculine. So it might have been your father, it could be your moving to your partners, it could have been your brothers. And, uh, these are men who didn't take responsibility for their emotions and either withdrew when there was, he brought emotional, uh. Things to them, or they explode under pressure and become very emotional themselves. Um, men who avoid discomfort and uh, weren't available for challenging conversations. Men who perhaps didn't follow through on what they said they were gonna do, or they didn't create the results that they wanted in their own life and either made excuses for it or blamed something outside of themselves. Um, I know for me, um, I grew up very much hearing about how the Keating government and the, you know, 18% interest rates is what was to blame for my dad's financial situation when he was in business. And I don't doubt that that was. Difficult, but a lot of people did make it through. Right. And this is the thing that's really important is that if, and a lot of people don't even recognize that. They go, no, no, my dad, um, wasn't angry and he didn't blow up or anything else. But the real litmus test is. Could you bring something emotional to your dad? Could you talk to your dad about anything? And, and this applies to both the parents actually. If there were things that went on for you that you felt like you were having problems with, but you could not tell your parents about it, that means there was an element of emotional. Neglect in your household, uh, lack of emotional safety. If you couldn't tell your parents things for fear of what they might say or that one might tell the other, or that they, whatever, however you thought they would respond, that is a sign that things weren't okay for you as a child. And it's often hard for people to recognize that'cause they're like, no, no, my parents did everything for me and they provided it for me and we played a lot of sport and da da da. And they might've provided, um, materially. And there might not have been any physical abuse, but it's the emotional part that is really the big kicker. And so if you were in one of those situations, you would've learned to adapt and you likely became the person who held everything together, become very independent in doing things for yourself. Or, or sorting problems out for yourself, and you probably manage the emotional load of the family. Whether that was your, uh, family with your parents or into the family that you created with your own partner. You were got very good at keeping the peace and supporting everyone and doing all the emotional labor. You probably become the stabilizer and you probably felt very needed. Either needed by your parents or needed by your dad, or needed by your partner, and, but here's the thing that often happens alongside of that, like I said, especially for women who move into caring roles, as in coaches, practitioners, therapists, often you provided all of this support, but you were never fully recognized for it. It was, uh, it was a given. You felt like you were needed and people needed you to play that role, but you were never fully recognized and you didn't get acknowledged for what you actually carried. And this goes back to, you know, I hear people telling me things that, that the loads that they were carrying as 10 year olds and 13 year olds. A lot and not being acknowledged for it, not being validated, not being acknowledged, not being appreciated for everything you did. And instead, the recognition generally in a household would go to the men for working hard, for being the provider, for bringing in the money. And I want you to actually really see this because. This is the thing that we have to be aware of, and that is that if those men who were providing and bringing in the money had someone like you supporting them, then of course they could focus. Of course they could succeed. Of course they could go out and make money. Now, I'm not saying that this isn't pressure for, uh, men to go out and make money and provide, but they do it very supportive. Okay. And we've come from a structure that says that women, uh, couldn't survive without men. And in fact, up until the seventies, and this still blows my mind, that up until the seventies, women couldn't have their own financial independence. They couldn't get loans for themselves. They couldn't even necessarily open a bank account, right? And so there there's this structure that said women couldn't survive without men. But what hasn't fully ever been, uh, acknowledged is that men couldn't create what they did without women. Men can't create a family without a woman in their life, right? Men wouldn't be able to go and focus on their career without someone holding the home, bathing the children, holding the emotional environment, holding the stability. This is a real key thing. So what you need to know is that what you were contributing was very much around how your household became successful, right? You were contributing to the results of the household, to the ability for the household to bring in money. You just weren't recognized for it. And this is where the pattern forms, and you learn that your value is in carrying the load, not in creating the outcomes. So now what happens is in business we see women who work very hard in supporting roles and helping people solve problems. They support their clients at a very deep level. You care. But you might find that you find it hard to actually claim yourself as someone who creates results. When it comes to what is the actual thing that you help people achieve, it might be really hard for you to be able to articulate because you feel like you are just there in a supporting role role, and because of that, you don't actually let yourself receive at the level that you are capable of. And you cap your income, right? And you stay around the level that feels safe, it might feel guilty if you are receiving anything. And so you stay around that safe level where you might be receiving just enough to survive and show that you are contributing to the household or just enough to knock, not rock the boat of, uh, or, or the balance of power. Inside the home or the family.'cause this doesn't just have to be with your partner. It could be related to your parents as well, but not ever earning enough to fully stand on your own. Okay? Because remember there was, let's be really honest about this. There was a time when, um, a lot of parents, and it still happens, holds their inheritance over children's heads. In that you have to support me or you'll get cut out of the wheel, right? That's a form of manipulation. And uh, and this becomes something that often women aren't conditioned to be empowered to be fully financially depe independent because they are taught to stay dependent. Right. By staying in that place of supporter where you are needed, it keeps you dependent, dependent on a partner, dependent on a family, dependent on external support. And that dependency creates a very subtle dynamic that often is a NA named really well, because on one hand you might feel resentment. You might be feeling resentment because of what you give and everything that you do and, and all the emotional labor that you do and what you hold, and you feel that you are undervalued and that you are unseen and you're unacknowledged. But on the other hand, you are still relying on the support from those people, right, from those same people, for stability, for security, for your financial future. And so you stay in that pattern of working hard and supporting others and, you know, ignoring your own needs, but not fully stepping into the level of power and income that would actually set you free from that whole dynamic. And so this is where we come back to the truth that playing small doesn't actually keep you safe. It keeps you in survival. It keeps you dependent on others because real safety doesn't come from somebody else, right? It's not dependent on somebody else. Your, your real safety comes from your own power, right? Your own ability to create your own financial freedom. Financial independence to be able to back yourself, to be able to make decisions for yourself, to be able to hold your own ground and lead your own life. And when you have that, everything changes, right? Everything changes. And it doesn't mean that you have to go in your masculine and be like, I don't need anybody. And I do everything myself. It's that you know, you can do it for yourself. And so what that means is that people have to step up to another standard to get access to you. That support. Someone can only claim to be supporting you if it's actually making your life better than what you do for yourself. And so this then flows onto your business because you're no longer building a business. Just to pay yourself a part-time wage, right? You are building a business that creates real stability for yourself, real financial independence, real choice over your life, and you are no longer needing relationships just to feel safe. Now, it doesn't mean you're gonna have to end relationships or anything like that, but you get to change the power dynamics in the relationships that you have. Because you are in those relationships, then because you choose them and you're available to receive the support that you actually deserve. And if you're not getting it, you've got enough of your own power to not accept that from the people that are closest to you, okay? You're no longer tolerating support that requires you to stay small. Just so that somebody else feels more powerful, and you have the discernment to choose the support that meets you at your level, and this is a dynamic that is very disturbing. For the unhealed masculine, because the unhealed masculine wants to feel it. It needs other people to be powerless for, for it to feel it has any power. Okay? But it it is, it's false, right? It's a false reality. The healed masculine gets way more power. By supporting a woman that's allowed her to be in her full power. And that's ultimately the idea of why men and women come together is the polarity of the masculine and feminine creates a whole lot more power, uh, has a whole lot more creative, uh, energy together. Then if one's trying to limit the other. Okay, so it's always a benefit. There's a huge benefit to a healed masculine man. To have a woman that's fully in her power, you become, uh, like very energized, um, opposite poles that create a lot of energy together, a lot of creative energy. So that means you become more magnetic to money together. You both can make more money. You both can create your goals faster. You are happier, you are more energized, you'll have better health. Like overall, your relationships will be better. And, uh, and I've seen this over and over again, and I've seen it in my own life. I've seen the shifts that's happened in my life and my relationships. I've seen it with my clients. And the moment a woman truly steps into her power, her income changes, her standards change, her relationships change. And not because she's forcing anything, not because she's using that power over anybody, it's because she's empowered in herself and she's no longer available for anything less than what she deserves. So if you are listening to this and something is landing for you, I want you to ask yourself this really, honestly. What is it that you might be pretending not to know about why you are not earning more money? Why you are not stepping into your own power? Because it's there and once you see it, you can change it. You are not here just to get by. You are not here to play small and keep yourself dependent on other people. You are here to create a life and business that fully supports you financially, emotionally, energetically, and that requires you to become safe in your own power. And if this is something that you feel like, oh, yes, this is speaking to me, speaking to me, speaking to me, and you're ready to shift it, it's not as scary as you think it might be. The beautiful thing about when you step into your own power is that you get to create the life you want. There is no loss. There is only things getting better. Uh, so you can come and join me in the Facebook group. Uh, business growth for coaches, practitioners, and therapists. The note, uh, the links in the show notes and, uh, and I've been doing some incredible work, uh, with clients this month, uh, March. It's been a huge month of onboarding new clients into Elevate and, uh, there's a case study that, uh, I've done the first round of intake and it's been amazing. And if you are thinking about, yes, I need to change something in my business, uh, do reach out for me. There is a new round of offers that I've got for April, and I can assure you this is the time you're gonna get the most. Time and energy from me one-to-one than you ever will again, because things are moving fast and, uh, I'm loving seeing the growth in the group. So, uh, reach out. Email me tony@tonyever.com, and, uh, love to help you step into your power and really build a business that's gonna support your life and pay you in the way that you. Deserve, because that's the thing, right? It's not just about growing your business, it's about becoming the person who can actually hold the money, the power, and the life that you say that you want. And I know you deserve. If you love this episode, you can help me get the message out to more people. Simply leave a review and share this episode with someone who'd love to hear it. Thanks for tuning into the Coaching Circle. I'll catch you in the next episode.