Ep 130: Toni Everard - Why Success Can Feel Unsafe & The Deeper Block To Having What You Want

Many people say they want more success, more income and a business that truly supports their life.

Yet even when they are capable and doing the work, something often keeps them just below the level they say they want.

In this episode, Toni Everard explores the deeper block that can make success feel emotionally uncomfortable and why the real challenge is sometimes learning how to have what you want.

This episode is for coaches, practitioners and service providers who are building their business but sense there may be a deeper internal pattern shaping what they allow themselves to receive.

In this episode, you will learn:

• How the NLP Prime Concerns model (Be → Do → Have) relates to business growth
• Why the emotional state of having success can feel unfamiliar
• How caretaking patterns can influence how much you allow yourself to receive
• Why struggle can sometimes become a protective boundary
• How expanding your identity allows you to comfortably hold the success you want

Growth isn’t only about doing the right things.

Sometimes it’s about allowing yourself to experience the life and business you’ve been working toward.

🔗 Let’s Connect

If this episode resonated, join Toni’s Facebook group
Business Growth for Heart-Led Coaches, Practitioners & Therapists

If you found this episode valuable, share it with a business owner who is ready to level up, or leave a review to help more people discover The Coaching Circle.

Pre-order your copy of The Turning Point
If you’d love to dive deeper into Toni’s emotional freedom work, you can pre-order your copy here: The Turning Point Book Pre-Release

Links and Resources:

🔹 The Turning Point Book Pre-Release

🔹 Book an Action Call

Connect with Toni Everard:

🌏 Website

📥 Email

💼 LinkedIn

📘 Facebook

📸 Instagram

📺 YouTube

Transcript

0:00

You are listening to the Coaching Circle with Tony Everard, business and Mindset coach and your strategic thinking partner. This podcast is for those who want to step out of the hustle and glow in the flow. We'll talk about all things mindset, energy, and structure so you can evolve from the inside out and build a business that supports the life you want to live. Let's dive in. Well, this episode we are gonna go deep, deep on something that I've experienced for myself, and I see this pattern play out a lot, and this is very much around why success can feel unsafe, and what is that deeper block that stops people from actually having what they want. Now, this is something I've been reflecting on because. It definitely plays out in business, but it can play out in all areas of our life around finances, relationships, health, all areas of life come down to this feeling like we can't have what it is that we want. And so the thing that when we look at business, most people automatically. Really get focused on strategy, right? They think if I do the right things, if I work really hard, if I learn the skills, if I follow the steps, then I'll end up with this ultimate outcome of whatev, whatever that might be. But somewhere along the line, this goes awry and things start to veer off track. And. You know, it's something that I realized that was a little bit uncomfortable, to be honest. It was, it was very uncomfortable when I fully understood what this was for me, and it's the discomfort that's often people are avoiding and trying not to see, and that's why we will create all these other meanings about why we don't have what we want. So when. We say things like, I wanna have more money, or, you know, I want my business to be working really well and supporting me. I wanna have a life that feels spacious and that I feel ease and abundance and even joy. There can be things in the background, little thoughts in the background that sound a bit like, but what will people think? Will I look selfish? Will someone say, oh, well that's all right for you. And uh, in Australia we even have a phrase that reflects this kind of dynamic, and that's the tool. Poppy syndrome. Standing out or doing well can sometimes feel as though it comes with a cost, could be a social cost, a familial cost, something to do with our identity and our connection and how we show up in the world. So. I wanna go deeper in this and really how it shows up in business growth and why that success can feel unsafe and that sort of deeper block that people have that actually stops'em from getting the thing that they want. Now, you may know if you've been listening for a while, that I spent eight years teaching NLP, which is neurolinguistic programming, which is all about our nervous system, our language, both verbal and non-verbal, and the programs that we run on a consistent basis to create the outcomes that we have. And, uh, I taught that for eight years, as I said, uh, as I taught it at a practitioner level, at a master practitioner level. And, uh, and I became a master trainer, which was, I was involved in training other people to teach NLP as well. So I was very involved in knowing these, uh, skills at a very deep level. And one of the. Things. Uh, one of the sections, one of the principles in NLP is something called prime concerns. And prime concerns are those deep unconscious needs that feel like they're not met. And they essentially relate to whether we believe we can be who we wanna be, or that we can do what we wanna do, or ultimately, that we can have what we want to have. And most people think that, oh, when I just have what I wanna have, then I'll feel like the person who has it and I'll be doing the things to, you know, keep having that result. But it never actually works that way. It is an identity, identity, identity thing first, if I can get my words out, where we have to decide that we're gonna be the person who then naturally does the things to have the result. Now I'll give you a real, uh, good example of this. And that is if you see someone, if someone wants to have a really good health and a really toned bo body and physical strength, it'll be very apparent in, you'll able to see straight away, right? You know when you see someone and they're toned and they're fit and they're muscly and they've got low body fat, you can see that they are someone who is being. A healthy person. Okay? Because a healthy person doesn't just go and do six week challenges at the gym. A healthy person lives as an identity. It's a, it's an identity of how they make decisions and what they do on a consistent basis that re re ends up with them having that result, right, of that healthy body. It's very obvious, and it's the same with people that have success in business. It's a result. You can see it, but. It's not going to happen until you first decide you are that person. And uh, so most people that I work with in business, they are okay with deciding that they're going to be a business owner, and they're probably okay with doing business things, but only to a certain cap of what it is that they can have. And so they might be in a space of like, oh, I'm doing the right things, uh, and that's naturally gonna give me the results. And that's then how I'm gonna feel. You know, all these positive feelings for having those res results. But what happens is that. People are, okay, I'm being this, but there's usually a cap on who they're being to start with because who they're being isn't equivalent to the person who actually has the results that they wanna have. And so the doing won't match. Having the results either. So we'll see people that doing, playing a small game and they're doing lots of busy work and getting a result that only matches what they allow themselves to have. And it's not that people aren't capable of growing. It's that it doesn't feel safe to grow. So they might be learning and they're showing up and they're trying, but then there's just this plateau. It is like this ceiling, and it's the ceiling that stops them from actually having the outcome. And when we think about outcomes, whatever it is that you say that you wanna have, it's. Always got to do with how you think you are going to feel when you have that outcome. So if you say that you wanna have more money and have more clients in a thriving business, then what you actually imagine feeling, if that's your goal generally is feeling abundant. It's feeling like you have some form of relaxation or relief, that you're feeling more spacious, joyful, more supported, and that life is generally gonna be better. And those emotional states are the real goal, but those states, those ways of feeling are not always the ones that people are most familiar with feeling, and many people are actually used to feeling instead something quite different. They might be used to feeling slightly on edge. They might be used to feeling like they're running on adrenaline or that they're managing problems, or that they're preparing for the worst. Worrying about whether there'll be enough, and those states might not be enjoyable, and you might think, well, yeah, of course I don't wanna feel like that. But if they're familiar, you are likely to keep doing them. And that the nervous system tends to just return to what feels familiar, right? It's like a thermostat. I know how to operate in this space of this amount of discomfort. And so some of the other patterns that I see that relate to this having as well is often. With people who tend to be caretakers. So if you spend a lot of your life caring for others, uh, or taking responsibility for other people, and you are the helper and you are the supporter, um, the the person who helps people when things are difficult for them, yet probably not that good at receiving support and help yourself. When you've spent years operating in that role, there can be a quiet belief that develops that. If you have extra resources, if you have extra space, extra energy, extra time, extra money, extra capacity, then those resources should be used to help someone else. Right. I want you to think about that. Is that something you've experienced? If you've got any extra time, extra money, extra energy, it starts to feel like it's in excess of what you need and that perhaps you should have been spending that focus on somebody who's less fortunate than you. And so when you start building a business that allows you to have more than just survival. That's something that that's uncomfortable can start to surface, right? We start to think, wow, am I being selfish to want more than survival? Will people think I only care about myself when I'm clearly doing well and they're not? Will someone be thinking, well, it's all right for you, or, well, haven't you got all the time in the world for your business, but not for me? Um, and these types of things can start to be an ongoing concern. And if you've spent a lot of your life being the responsible one, then that can feel like a big shift. And what's really interesting to know is usually these patterns and dynamics play out with other adults, okay? Other adults that are actually res, uh, responsible for their own wellbeing, but they're used to playing a victim and expecting people to save them. Now. This also leads into where struggle can be a unconscious boundary. And this is another very interesting dynamic here that goes on as well. So struggle can actually form a very effective boundary. And, and this is the thing I think is really important to know, is that whatever. Thoughts, beliefs, behaviors you have, they are always coming from a place of positive intent for you. It might not be aligned with the outcome that you say that you want, but it will have a positive intent for you. And so struggle can be a boundary in that way because if you are barely surviving, if you don't have any extra for yourself. Then there are many things that you don't have to decide or make a stand for, because you can just be able to say like, well, I can't possibly do that. I can't possibly spare that time because I'm, I'm so busy, you know, doing these things for myself, or I don't have the resources, like I, I can't. You know, take that time off because I've gotta be working to make the money to pay the bills. Um, you know, all these kinds of things can become a boundary and life becomes so full of managing things that certain conversations never have to happen, right? Certain conversations around expecting other adults to take responsibility for themselves and their own wellbeing, uh, and that. Is something we get used to being able to do. It's very popular amongst people. If you listen to people's conversations, it will be a lot of, oh, I can't do that because you know, I just don't have the time, or I just can't afford it, or all kinds of things. We hear like that, that cover for what's really underneath that, which is I actually, I don't want to, I don't want to have to do that. I don't wanna have to take responsibility for that thing. And so if we think about getting ourselves into a space of joy and abundance, then that requires a different kind of boundary because it's a boundary around your excess. It's a boundary around your abundance. It's not you saying, no, I can't do that because I'm barely scraping by. It changes into I'm not doing that because it doesn't suit me, it doesn't fit with me. It doesn't allow me enough spaciousness enough, abundance enough joy. And that becomes a very difficult conversation for some people to have until they get awareness of it. And so. Being able to protect the space that allows you to feel good is what's required to move into another level of abundance. And so people that have spent years managing other people's emotions or needs that shift can feel very unfamiliar. Now, there's another social layer to this as well, and I touched on this. Just then, uh, and earlier in the podcast talking about, you know, the social impacts or the familial impacts, and, and that is if you've spent a lot of time around people who see the world through a lens of struggle or hardship, stepping into joy and abundance can feel like stepping outside of the group. Okay. Often people connect around similarities, so that can be similar social, economic, uh. Identities, right? Which is really important. And so there can be a quiet fear that enjoying life too much might create distance. That, that it might lead to judgment, that it might make you appear too different to the people that you know. And belonging is a very, very powerful human need. So your system can quietly regulate things back to a level that feels socially comfortable for you. Not terrible, but not expansive either. And this is a real key thing. Part of growth is learning how to sit comfortably in the emotional state of having, allowing yourself to experience joy, allowing yourself to feel supported, allowing yourself to feel abundant, to feel calm, and not just on the odd occasion, but consistently. Allowing yourself to have the business that you want. Right. This is one of the things I do notice and, and, and something that I'm very interested in because I think there's a fine line between where people are performing and pretending everything's okay. That's not healthy either. But there's also this underlying current where people like to gather around and it's like a support group of like, oh yeah, it's hard for me and it's hard for you, and it's hard for everybody, and we all sit and support each other and how hard it's been. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't get support if you are having challenges, but it shouldn't be support to stay in that space. It should be support in growing in that we wanna connect with other people that are growing. I'm looking for ways of not just growing business and making more money, but of growing in a way where it feels aligned, it feels freer, it feels like there's an abundance, that there's an. There's joy because this is what life is all about, right? Is being at a master our reality, being able to master our business, being able to master our life in a way that it works for us so that we can actually enjoy it. Oh my God. Imagine that. Imagine that if you're actually enjoying business and life and uh, uh, and it sounds funny, right? When we say and go, of course everyone wants that, but how many people are actually working towards creating that and succeeding That is a different, different question. So when you allow yourself to have the business that you want and allow yourself to enjoy the life that you are creating, then your capacity tends to grow gradually. Right. And as identity expands, your self trust deepens and you get to be able to back yourself more in your abundance and your spaciousness. And in that way, what you find is it may be that there are people who are determined to stay stuck and suffering, that you spend less time with. I actually recommend that because you're not doing anyone any favors, and this is the key thing. This is the key thing that I want you to learn. It was the key thing that I had to learn for myself, and that was protecting other people's discomfort, right? That people, if people felt uncomfortable about my growth, if I tried to protect them from feeling uncomfortable about my growth, I was not empowering them. Right. I was not empowering them. People are meant to feel discomfort as a way to stimulate their own growth, to see that there's a gap between where they're at and what's actually possible for them and what they would like for them, because it's in that discomfort that you'll get motivated to do something different. However, if we keep reoffending for someone that, oh, that, yes, you're right, and life's so hard, and my life's hard too and everything else, nobody grows in that space. Right. Nobody grows in that space, and most importantly, you don't grow in that space. And this really comes down to, you know, one of my favorite sayings that you'll hear me repeat time and time again is that you wanna be the lighthouse and not the life boot. You can't help as many people. You can't be an inspiration to other people. You can't be enjoying your own life if you are forever there in the trenches, pulling people out of the storm and just. Just to see them fall back overboard again, because that's what they know, right? You wanna be the lighthouse lead the way, right? You'll change much more people for the better by leading the way than you will by sitting there and struggling with them. And so that's really important. And learning that your success doesn't have to come at the expense of connection with others. Like I said, it may with some, but that's normal life. You will, you will never stay exactly in a way that's going to align with every single person in your life for the rest of your life, because everyone's growing and everyone's moving in different directions, and there will always be disconnection at some point with some people, but there will also be new connections with new people. Who are more aligned with where you are, and that is really what life's about, right? We are always gonna be growing, we're always gonna be meeting new people, and it's not gonna be the same core people all the way through your life. There might be one or two that do, uh, you, maybe you have one or two that you do stay really close with throughout your life. There might be some that fade in and out. There might be some that are in and then are out, and then new people come in. But the key thing is knowing at whatever stage of growth that you are at, there will be people that you can connect with at that stage of growth who will support you. Okay? So you're never gonna be alone, you're never gonna be ostracized, you're never gonna be out on your own. You wanna flip it to, no, I'm going to choose this growth for myself. And if anyone was, wants to hold me back from that, well actually that's not okay with me. Not worrying about if it's okay with them, they can always choose to grow. They can always choose to step up. They can always choose to take responsibility for themselves, and they're more likely to do that if they see somebody else do it first. So this is something that I want you to think about. If you are building something meaningful in your business and you notice a pattern where things seem to plateau just below the level that you say that you want or that you go through cycles of sort of getting somewhere and dropping back, it can be really worth asking this deeper question of yourself. And that is, how comfortable am I with actually having what I say? I want, how safe do those emotional states feel? How safe do I feel being abundant and joyful and and excited about life while I'm interacting with other people? Because business growth is rarely just about strategy. Uh, and that's why I do the work that I do. It very much is business is part of your personal evolution and learning how to manage business in a way that is successful in creating a life for yourself that you enjoy is part of your personal growth. And learning how to deal with other people's perceptions, projections, and likes and dislikes along the way. In a way that serves you, knowing that you don't have any intention to do ill by anybody else, but you also don't have to take responsibility for other people's outcomes for other people's situation in life. And once we get that, we have a greater impact on the world. We enjoy our life and we have a lot more personal growth. Which obviously leads to business growth and it all involves expanding the range of experiences that we allow ourselves to have of who we allow ourselves to be. Now, like I said, there can be all kinds of things in the background. What holds people back? Your perceptions, the conditioning you had as a child, what it means about people who are wealthy. All kinds of things that I hear from clients at different times. Uh, awareness is the first key. Being aware if you are actually allowing yourself to have that or if you are judging that outcome unconsciously, uh, and then doing something about it. Now this is work that I'm really passionate about. I'm so. Excited and passionate to help good people help more good people.'cause the, the work that I do, I know the clients I work with do really good work in the world. And your business success would mean that you are doing more of that work. And that's what I want for you. And if you are doing that good work and helping people, you deserve to be having a good life. At the same time, you deserve to feel supported and resourced in a way that you can continue contributing and enjoying yourself. Now, there's a five day challenge that I've been running that has been going gangbusters, and it's a case study that I thought i's. Start off with a couple of people and I've now had about five or six people come through this challenge and the results have been astounding. So I'm opening up another couple of spots for this challenge. In its current state, which is as a case study, it's free. It's called the Grow a Business that supports you five day challenge. It's five one-to-one 30 minute sessions with me over five days. And the people that, uh. In this challenge and coming to this challenge are people who are looking at their business very differently and getting clear on what they want the next 12 months to look like. And so I've opened up another couple of spots for this, and so what we unpack in there is where is your business right now? What's shaping how you think about it and what needs to shift so your business can genuinely support the life that you create. And there's five key foundations in this that I go through, and people are having the most incredible shifts around this. Uh, I'm absolutely loving it and I'm, I'm getting so much value out of delivering this and hearing. More detail from people who are actually in business doing this and helping them see a pathway forward over the next 12 months. So if that sounds like something that you would benefit from and you are fully committed to. Doing something different in your business over this next 12 months, and you are committed to yourself and straightaway committed to investing some time. You have to be committed to this process. It's not just like a fluffy Yeah. If you show up, great. It's like, no, I'm committed. Uh, then email me Tony at Tony Aara. So TONI at T-O-N-I-E-V-E-R-A-R d.com. And that's my personal email. You can email me the direct and tell me a bit about your business, where you're at, where you wanna get it to, and what you think is in your way. And, uh, and I'll get back to you and let you know if this will be something that is appropriate for you. So, in closing, uh, I just want to say that, you know, remember building the business you want is. Partly about what you do and partly about who you become, but it is very much around what you'll allow yourself to actually have as the result. And for many people, that's where the real shift begins. And if you're looking for permission, this is your sign. You have full permission to create whatever it is that you want. And if you need support in that, reach out. That's what I'm here for. If you love this episode, you can help me get the message out to more people. Simply leave a review and share this episode with someone who'd love to hear it. Thanks for tuning into the Coaching Circle. I'll catch you in the next episode.